A Homeless man stole my car
Today I was fretting. It was clean comedy night at Tacoma Comedy Club. I had to do 5 minutes hosting without anything suggestive, dirty, gross, swearing, or even slightly offensive. Not just your typical “Hey. Don’t swear or be vulgar.” No sexual material. Nothing. I started glancing at my setlist. That sort of limited my options. I had some cool car jokes I hadn’t really done on a weekend that worked well at open mics. and on my trip to spokane I remembered a funny story about my old car getting stolen. I bent the truth a little bit to make it seem like a continuous time sequence. (It was the car before my car that kept breaking down.) So I tried it. It worked really well. I almost like this set better than my normal 5 minutes of very sexually suggestive stuff.
The muscle milk bit goes way back to before this blog. I’ll type it up one day. I basically compare athletes on the side of mcdonald’s bags to me on the side of a muscle milk carton. It just doesn’t belong.
Here’s the funny story I remembered on the long drive to spokane and back.
One time my car got stolen. The cops found it a couple days later. Nothing missing. But they said they think a homeless guy was living in it. I was like “ugh. Not sure I want it back anymore. How do you know a homeless guy was living in it?” They said “Well. It was really dirty inside. All sorts of McDonalds wrappers. Jack in the box bags. Everything was just strewn about.” I was like “uhh… Yeahh.. totally some homeless guys probably.”
Boom. Killer. Sugue into McDonalds material. Done. Genius.
Now it should be noted. Much Much editing and re arranging has been done to the jokes once they get published on the blog. I hardly ever come back and re edit them either. So often what you’ll hear on stage is a condensed version of what’s written on here. Sometimes (although less often) it’s much more expansive. The rule of thumb and perfect analogy is that The Laws of Baseball apply to comedy. If 30% of your jokes are base hits and you sprinkle in a few home runs. You’re an all star. So when I write a joke. I’ll try to put a bunch of little jokes into the whole story. Many times only a couple work consistently enough to keep. So when you read those jokes. You can say “oh that sounds like 5 minutes in itself.” It’s probably not. Also another example is the New Car material. I haven’t yet perfected that actual jokes about buying the car and the car dealership’s tricks. so especially on a quick set. That’s one part I didn’t do.