Married to the Game


I’ve had a couple days of hard travel, so this blog may not have gotten published right away but I started this on Valentines day at least. Gotta try not to complain on this one. I hate it when I complain about doing what I love and making money at it. Especially when I’m at a level most people never get to. I once heard a piece of advice that was “Do what you love, even if you hate it sometimes.” That’s definitely comedy and marraige. I am on the verge of saying “fuck it, take the kids. I just want a normal life again.” once in a while. But I was never normal until I got settled into this. This is all I’ve known, everything else was trying to be someone else. This feels right.

I think my family thinks I have a hard time with relationships. That’s probably been the scouting report for most of the time and pretty fair. I got a late start but I did plenty of dating and getting around early. but It was just for sport. I was only serious with one girl but I didn’t really know what I was doing so I think I screwed things up pretty often. I feel bad now. Not bad enough to do anything about it. I’ve talked to her only a few times since then. I thanked her for supporting me when I started comedy, apologized for being an idiot a lot of the time. Then we got romantic one last time, but I’m pretty sure I was her booty call and not the other way around. That’s another story. I sent her a text like maybe 6 months ago. I felt like an idiot as soon as I hit send. She never responded. I was glad, but then I was offended that she didn’t respond. You think you’re better than me, bitch? You’re not allowed to be over me. lol. Lately I think I got it figured out. Not like there was a secret wink I wasn’t doing but just a general attitude. Mostly because I figured out who I am. It was hard for anyone to like me when I didn’t like me. I don’t have trouble attracting girls or interacting with them. I have a hard time believing anyone will be willing to put up with my first wife. Comedy.

Watching half of relationships fail for “regular people” and then watching a majority of entertainment relationships fizzle out isn’t very encouraging. I’ve never wanted anything as much as I wanted this. I push myself harder than I ever have. Other people push me. A popular signature in my advice book is “Listen to nobody” “Don’t take advice”. That’s bullshit. I get it. I’m not saying take everything literal, but at least listen. Some people have really good things to say. If my dad wouldn’t have pushed me to start writing every day, I wouldn’t be. Maybe he was wrong about that one, but I’ve enjoyed forcing myself to write and seeing what comes out. Sometimes I surprise myself and sometimes I disgust myself and others. (Although that blog has gotten lots of comments and it makes me laugh. I don’t know if people were ready for that level of honesty from me yet. lol). I worked with a comic recently who’s intro consisted of a long line of credits and then “for some strange reason, after 30 years, he’s still not famous.” and then he signed the book basically “Don’t take advice.” If you don’t know why you’re not famous after 30 years in comedy, maybe you need to start taking some advice. Not necessarily from me. Although that’s my advice, ironically. I barely spent any time with the guy and I’m sure it was less for his own ego, and more about getting the crowd hyped to see what they should think is a really cool guy they’re lucky to have. Which they probably were, I have heard great things about the guy. I didn’t get to watch him because I ate dinner, so I could come right up to the room after, and write a blog and go to sleep.

My friends keep me grounded and the audiences do too. My friend Adam called me the other day and was harping for about 3 hours on one single joke that I’ve been telling and how it’s the worst thing he’s ever heard. He’s not far off. It’s not an excellent joke, It’s easy and I can do better. It’s also easily drop-able. So I dropped it. Today we were talking and I said I dropped it. He asked why. I said I’m sensitive and you have heavy influence. He started to feel bad and said I’m way ahead for 3 years and he wished he was as good as I was 3 years in. Fantastic. but I didn’t get here by keeping the same unemployment jokes. I didn’t get here by not pushing myself. If I don’t keep pushing, eventually it will catch up. I’ll be the guy that’s right where he’s supposed to be at 5 years in. I like being ahead. I’ve dropped jokes because of bad reviews online (I’ll cover this later maybe), because my friends tell me to and others because I know they need to be dropped. Some will just get rested and come back periodically when I need to them to fill longer sets. Some will have all evidence destroyed they ever existed.

I remember in middle school I started reading really intense books. The Hobbit and Ender’s Game and all this crazy stuff. I don’t remember where I got my statistics but I somehow was made to believe I had a high school reading level. Something like 11th grade. I was pretty proud of that and I remember bragging about it. I forget to who. Maybe it was a girl. Maybe that’s why I never got laid. lol. It certainly didn’t really help me. Isn’t it weird about how much weight we put on stupid things as a kid? I remember being on the playground and arguing with a kid that my brother could beat up his brother. I’d never met this kids brother. My brother would have no reason to beat up this kids brother (except that his little brother is a poopy face). Who cares? What was that about? I remember I used to get a pretty good allowance. I think it was $20 or something a week? That seems high, but maybe I just confused a random 20 bucks once in a while to buy candy with allowance. but kids were trying to one up each other with how much allowance their dad gave them. Weird triggered memories.

Anyway, I was a smart nerdy kid. I thought I was cool because I had a high reading level. but I never pushed it. I stayed at a high school reading level. Sometimes I’m pretty sure I’ve regressed. lol. Man. I had a head start on everyone. I could have been smart and done something with my life. Now I’m a comedian. Stay in school kids. ;). I think my brother dated at a 12th grade level by the time he was 10. That guy always got the girls. Who knows what it was. I read so many dating advice books. The only thing I learned was that nothing gets fixed overnight and you can’t fake confidence. Audiences will smell that fear too.

I kept thinking about that sign at White Castle. That means some guy convinced his girlfriend it was a good idea to get married at a fast food restaurant. and IM still single? Why does White Castle even have a readerboard. That doesn’t make sense. What does White Castle have to announce? “Our burgers are still shitty. C Ya Later!” “Extra pickles, No Extra Cost.”

Anyway, I’m in a hotel right now. On Valentines day. That’s a little awkward being a single guy. I can hear LOTS of sex. It makes me wonder how little sex people have normally, if I never really notice it on other days. I’m in hotels a lot. I’ve heard at least 3 different couple’s going at it in the last hour or so. Unless it’s the same couple and they’re just hitting different spots in the hotel. I turned my music off to hear them better. (I don’t know why I wanted to hear better. Maybe I’ll learn something?) but they stopped. Didn’t realize I was providing the soundtrack.

My friend Adam Norwest has a great joke: “I don’t think you should listen to music when you make love. Because it gives the woman something to associate time with. ‘That was only 3 songs!’ ‘Yeah but freebird is like 27 minutes, come on.’ ”

Not that I’m one to judge, but these people are still having sex at like a 10th grade level. I heard a lot of action for like 2 minutes, and then nothing. Slow and steady wins the race. Or maybe he’s doing something he hates and wants to get it over with as soon as possible. If anybody didn’t see that joke coming a mile away, you need glasses. But then your wife wouldn’t be pretty anymore, and then you have a problem on valentines day. I’m tired. I could have put this blog off for another day when I had time, nobody would deny me my 7 hour driving day excuse but I would have lost my train of thought. Goodnight.

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