Jesus Loves Me

If you’ve ever seen my act (on 99% of days) I don’t swear. I push the limits, and some words might make your grandparents blush still. (Although I’m told old people like me.) But I’m sure most of what I say could be said on Television. (except for COCK – although I don’t use that joke much anymore and the word is non essential.)

It’s not because of some higher power (the blog title comes in later). I think it was mostly because I hoped to gain my parents respect, and they always hated cursing. I don’t know if I can count how many times I’ve heard my dad curse in my life on two hands. My mom is another story. (old joke I used on dates: girl: “Do you go by Andrew or Andy?” Me: “Well, I go by Andrew, but my mom calls me shithead. So Whatever you want to use…” I know. I know. Genius.) But whatever. It’s not about doing as they do, it’s about what they say, right? As their kid, they don’t want to see me go up and talk about cunt punching or any of that.

The other reason is also weird. I don’t want to be that guy either. I don’t know. Watch the video of my first time. I didn’t curse in there. Even though Giggles had a rule against lots of cursing. I could’ve easily gotten away with it my first time. Many people went on to break many rules at Giggles. So I didn’t fear the wrath of Terry. I just didn’t curse. Growing up, I don’t know if my dad coined the phrase or if other people did. But someone would always describe my dads show as edgy but still family friendly. Like. He pushes the limits a little. But he’s going to do it in a fun way. So that’s how I accidentally aimed my path.

I’m glad I did. The more I do it. The more I focused I become on keeping it that way because of feedback I get.

– Until you get famous. You can’t choose your audience.

Some people love the cursing. Some people hate it. You don’t know what type of audience you have until you go up. You can generally know. Tacoma might let you get away with more than Kirkland. But maybe the guy you’re opening for in Tacoma draws a different crowd. If you’re an opening comic, you take whatever you can. So unless you want to run in a room and survey the audience and write a new setlist each night. Just have a setlist that will work anywhere.

When you get famous enough to draw your own crowd wherever you go. Do whatever you want. Until then, be prepared to catch flak.

All the time after shows, I get comments like “I really liked you because that other guy was too dirty.” – I just did a charity show in Kent at a bar. Mostly drunk 20 somethings. A few older people. One woman came up to me after the show. “I was about to leave because the guy right before you was really dirty. but I thought I should give you a shot and I’m so glad I stayed.” She kept elaborating how some of the things I said could be interpreted in a ‘naughty’ way but that I left it to people’s imagination.

Those comments always make me feel good.

One time I got “I liked you the best. You didn’t swear, and you kept it true to Jesus.”

Those comments always make me feel awkward.

REALLY? You had to drag Jesus in this?

I talk about legalizing gay marriage and calling it the 4 balls law. I’m sure Jesus loves me. and I’m not saying Jesus hates gay people. but he’s probably up there like “Well that wasn’t part of my plan.”

QUICK AUTHOR NOTE: I’m merely being sarcastic. I think god is a tolerant bastard if he exists. I’m sure he’s doing the kanye shrug to the whole gay people thing.


– – –

Anyway. I had a new thought on the whole Mosque at Ground Zero thing. Don’t get me wrong. I agree it’s sort of insensitive. but I respect their right to be insensitive about it I can’t get over the fact that we preach freedom of religion and then say except certain places. It’s stupid. Especially when there’s a mosque 4 blocks from ground zero, that was there before the WTC.

Maybe they flew the planes into our buildings because our symbol of amercian greed interfered with the practicing of their religion? How insensitive of us to build our giant symbols of capitalism and greed 4 blocks from their religious site. Who’s the asshole now?

Here’s another thing my dad said one time. “I don’t believe in abortion, personally. But I believe in everyone’s right to believe whatever they want.” – Now Personally as a broke ass wannabe comedian. I believe in abortion. but once I get rich. I will frown upon every single one of you baby killers. How about this. “I am not gay. But I support them in whatever they want to do.”

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