I need a woman in my life


I think I’m going to start a regular format. Joke first, real story second. Other thoughts afterward. (at least in blogs that include jokes)

The new bit:

I was told the other day, that I need a woman in my life. By a woman that I wanted in my life. I was going on a date with a girl, and we stopped by my house for a second on our way to dinner. She saw how messy my room was and said “You need a woman in your life.” I was like “Yeah. That’s … kinda what I thought this was about.” Gee captain obvious. Do you walk into hospitals, “You need some medicine in your life.” “Yes. Thank you. Now unless you’re a doctor or one of those clowns from the make a wish foundation, get out of here.”

The real story:

I was texting back and forth with a good friend who I’ve told if she were to ever get drunk enough, I would propose and she would be stuck with me. (somewhat serious about it too.) and I sent her a picture message of my flaxseed oil bottle that said 3,6,9 on it. Which I thought was hilarious, due to the Lil Jon song “3 6 9, damn she fine. etc” She’s the only one I know who listens to enough rap music to find my corny rap jokes funny. She just replied back “Your room is a mess. You need a woman in your life.” I was like … “Yeah. Remember how I said I would propose once I got you drunk enough?”


*shrug* Anyway. This isn’t as exciting as I thought it might be. I wrote the joke as a date setup and she stopped in my room. but upon further thought, I am pondering making it a “sexting” reference. Due to the hilariously hacky nature of sexting. Part of me just wants to steer clear altogether.

Anyway. I did the bit on the radio to fairly good response. Along with one that I never really blogged about, but got a tremendous facebook response and a couple phone calls about. I’m not usually the one liner type. But here this goes:

The new bit:

I think I just told a guy with cerebral palsy to wipe the smirk off his face.

The real story:

Sitting in my car at a crosswalk at a red light, a guy was walking in front of me with a smirk. I didn’t really notice the slight limp at first. but part of me was like “wipe that smirk off your face.” then I wondered if maybe he was handicapped.


*shrug* where on earth does this go in a set. Opening line. Closing line? Sell it to someone famous? It’s gotten some good responses the 3 times I used it. But I have no idea how that makes me look and if that’s what I want for an opening line. I’ve already got a great closer.

So here’s the video from the other day on my dad’s show.

“The commercials malfunctioned on the show today and they suddenly found themselves needing to fill some airtime. The bar was lowered and they started talking to me. Then I got bumped for a stolen cow news story in the middle of my set. :)”

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