Jesus is a CockBlock.

So I was in Richland, Wa the last few nights doing a great comedy show at Jokers Casino. It was three nights. After the comedy show it turns into a nightclub and all sorts of girls come in and everyone dances. Exciting. After the first show, these girls come up to me and start talking to me. One of the girls really seems to like me. Which was my first hint that she was into drugs. She tries to buy me a drink and I’m like I better not because I don’t trust myself to not sleep with you right now. She starts telling me how she wishes she had her life together when she was my age and when she tried Meth the first time she didn’t know that it was mixed with Heroin. Then she pulled out her phone and starts show me pictures of her kids and I was like ok. 3 strikes. That’s a dealbreaker. Look, if you do meth and you have kids, I’d be like ah but at least she’s young and still pretty. If you were an old lady with a couple kids, I’d be like eh, well at least she hasn’t done Heroin and Meth at the same time. But all three. I gotta call it a night. but she won’t leave me alone. She gives me a kiss on the cheek and starts telling me how it’s too bad I live in Seattle because she doesn’t like long distance relationships and I’m like “look, I’m not even interested in a close distance relationship at this point, so if you could back up a little…” So she goes out for a smoke and I make a break for it and leave.

The second night. After the show. No methheads hitting on me, but the fat girls were out in full force. Which, no disrespect ladies, I like a girl with some curves, work it but fat just wouldn’t work for ME. I’m tiny. You’d break me. Plus. I drive a coupe. Not exactly roomy. Gas prices are high. So I hightail it out of there but for some reason I’m feeling optimistic for the third night. I’m feeling like goldilocks. Those girls were too skinny, those girls were too fat. The third night should be juuussst right.

So the third night. I actually meet a cute girl after the show at the club. HALLELUJAH. We talk some. We dance a little. Then she says we should hang out after. I’m like wow. My birthday comes a little early. Thank you, Jesus. I give her my number and after the night ends, she sends me a text “I want to hang out but I have to get up early for church. Maybe next time.” I was like “GOD DAMNIT! Literally!” but I’m trying to be reasonable. I think there’s a lesson here. The Lord Giveth. The Lord Taketh away, or, Never count your blessings before they hatch. Or some shit. Basically. Jesus is a cockblock.

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