Don’t Fuck the Waitresses


“Andrew, Don’t fuck the waitresses, no matter how hot they are!! I’m serious! I can’t work in El Paso any more. Damn Latina’s!!
Rick D’Elia aka Lick D’eRia”

One very controversial entry was by hilarious Portland comedian, Rick D’Elia. I met Rick at the parlor live one day I was hanging with some comedy friends and I said hey let’s go watch a show. It was a slow weekend, I had no shows lined up. I showed up and they said I could do a guest set. That’s some good luck.

Rick was really cool to meet at the time. He pulled out a pretty big piece of paper folded up in his pocket. It had all of his jokes on there organized into different categories. I still have the file somewhere, after I finish writing this I’ll see if I can find it. I thought it was interesting.

I don’t remember my performance much, but I remember his was fantastic. I wish I could have stayed for the second show but I felt an obligation to hang out with my buddies. Before I took off I asked him to sign my book. He did and I read it and I had never even considered the consequences of sleeping with a club employee at the time. I started walking off to meet up with my buddies. He chased me down in the hallway and said “Hey I thought you were staying. I wanted to tell you the whole story.” We exchanged emails and I told him I would get in contact.He asked if I read it yet. I said yes and I asked him if he knew. He said know what. I said I would explain it later.

I had performed at the parlor pretty often during that summer. The parlor hires some of the hottest waitresses at any club I’ve ever been to. I had developed a little crush on this mixed cutie named Vanessa. Looking back I doubt anything would have ever come of it, but at the time I liked my chances. We had exchanged numbers and talked once in a while.

So he came out to the hallway, she was in the end of the hall at the door. I was like I’ll explain it later. I totally had a crush on this waitress. I hadn’t even considered how it would go bad until he signed my book. It was the biggest revelation at the time. Comics are mostly men. Waitresses are mostly women. Regardless of the fact comics are usually dysfunctional. We’re guys. We want to fuck things. Nowadays it becomes glaringly obvious when you look for it. Even open micers hit on the waitresses.

I gave up on my waitress dream. Although we still hung out a few times, I wasn’t going to try. Rick and I corresponded through email a few times and we traded stories. Apparently he hooked up with a waitress at a club, things went sour, and she told the club, and now he can’t work in that club anymore even after the waitress is gone.

While I don’t believe it’s going to stop it from happening. Hopefully it at least gives comedians further pause. I later had a show that I put on at Hooters and eventually broke the rule. It didn’t get my show cancelled but it certainly made things awkward. I would certainly think twice about doing it again. The entry has become a pretty funny inside joke as well. Just last night a good friend of mine sent me a text message from the road. “I’m bringing a waitress back to my hotel tonight. Don’t tell my girlfriend. Or Rick D’Elia.” Even Rick himself admitted sometimes it’s hard to follow the rule. So remember, comedians. Enter with caution. You’ve been warned.

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