My brother had a baby recently which is exciting. At least that’s what everyone told me I was supposed to feel. It was not a big deal to me. But everyone else was like “are you excited to be an uncle? How is it to be an uncle?” “Nothing has really changed. I don’t have to do anything. I mean, I’ll still buy her beer when she’s 14, but until then there’s not much to do.” It was the most praise I’ve gotten for something I had nothing to do with. “Hey, Andrew. Way to help the sun rise this morning!”
The kid is like 2 or something. 20 months? I don’t know. Parents always count the months. She’s 18.42 months. Stop. Just say 1 and 1/2. Which is annoying but I understand. Raising a kid is so stressful, each month is a milestone. “Oh, man. We made it!” The baby celebrates a birthday every year, you celebrate not strangling the kid every month. Plus, It is kinda like another birthday when the dad sends money every month. My brother and his wife are still together, by the way. I just thought that was a funny joke. I read a story about a guy sending his wife alimony with custom checks that have their wedding photo. I thought that was a good idea. But why live in the past, bro. Send her custom checks with your new girlfriend’s picture on it.
The kid is super smart already. It’s making me feel bad. Every time I see her she’s learning new words, and she’s building things with blocks and I’m like shit. I have not learned any new words this month. This baby is crushing me right now. She can point to the sky and say PLANE, and she can point at me and say NO! So, she’s a fast learner.
I was trying to teach her a song. All I want for Christmas is a hippopotamus. She was like how is Santa gonna fit a hippo under the tree. I was like Magic. She’s like if the Hippo isn’t in water, how is he gonna stay alive. I was like “It’s just a stupid song. someone taught me and I thought I’d teach you because someone else decided to make you and now I’m a bad person if I don’t visit once a month.” Then I was like “How come I didn’t have those questions when I was a kid? Because I’m an idiot.”
I went to her Birthday party. It wasn’t that fun. It’s just other parents and their kids. Everyone’s slobbering on each other and pooping. It’s like a puppy playdate. I had my mom buy her a gift because I didn’t know what to get a 2 year old. Apparently they don’t like/appreicate Chipotle gift cards. Who knew. My mom bought her a xylophone. It was the second xylophone she owns. But she loved it and immediately started making the most awful noises you can imagine.
All childrens gifts are really just other parents getting revenge. Because all of my brothers friends are other parents. When you have children, you only hang out with other people who have children. Because nobody likes you anymore. But all the gifts were just chores to do later. Musical things, a trumpet, blocks, flash cards. Like here you go, happy birthday. Here’s some shit to clean up later. Here’s some flash cards. Teach your kid to read. Your kid is an idiot.
Oh Happy Birthday. She’s starting to sleep through the night. Here’s a xylophone. CLING CLING BOP BANG. “Oh. She’s gonna be a musician.”
She has one white and one black doll. Which, I thought was odd. I know their intentions are good and progressive. Like, “see, black babies are great also.” I don’t think you have to teach her to like black people. She’s a white girl from Seattle. She’s going to experiment eventually.