50 Shades of Grey Socks

I want to write about 50 shades of grey. This is the book the everybody is talking about right now. It’s a book that’s like porn for women. Which is the basic difference. Women porn has words. It has a story. A woman will watch regular porn and be unsatisfied at the end of it. “Well, did she ever get that sink fixed or what?” “Why is she going to blow him for the free pizza? It’s just going to be cold by the time they’re done anyway.”

Anyway, so this book is about some innocent lady who gets banged a lot. I read it and… Well, most of it. I skipped a couple chapters. The pages started to stick together. I couldn’t help it. The book is hot. I don’t know what happens. I got to page 2 and it said “breast” and I was like “well, I’m ready to go.” That’s why it’s great to be a woman. You can have multiple orgasms, there’s no mess, and you can continue on with your day. When a man has his orgasm, the rest of his day is ruined, he can’t think clearly for a few hours and then when he comes out of his coma, he doesn’t have time to finish reading a book, he’s got to go to the store and buy more socks.

I’m curious how the author came up with this stuff because she is the ugliest human being ever. I don’t know one man who would bang her. She looks like a man. I mean unless she has an awesome personality which totally counts. How does she know so much about sex? I can just imagine the author on her little laptop with microsoft word open in one window and then wikipedia on another. “The man reaches down to her vagina and strokes the … feel good thingy…ahhhh what’s that called? Clitoris. Wait a second. Wikipedia says that’s located in the back of the throat. hmmm.”

If you laughed at that wikipedia line, my life goal is complete. For the past 6 months I’ve been trying to write a joke about how wikipedia gets a bad rap for being inaccurate. People are always like “Oh anybody can edit it.” not true. I’ve tried to add myself as the best comedian alive for the past 3 years and it doesn’t let me. It’s only wrong about stupid stuff. Like when it says your favorite celebrity is a vegetarian, you shouldn’t need to know that stuff anyway. That’s the Internet’s way of telling you to get a life. If you look up clitoris, it tells you exactly where it’s located in the back of the throat. HAH! BOOM! alright that was cheap. I don’t think that will work twice. I don’t know if that joke will work once. but it’s hilarious to me. That’s why I write these blogs. Nobody reads them. You write the idea down. Try it at open mic, and then see how it goes.

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