Scared to have kids

I want you to know, I’m writing. It’s just very very rough at this point. Some of the stuff that’s going on in my head is confusing. but I’ll put it up if only to say “look! I’m not just sitting around doing nothing all day”

Do Men have a biological clock? I’m 28 years old this year. I’m starting to feel like it won’t be long before I can’t play the “young” card anymore. Eventually, I may have to get my life together. I know lots of comedians who are successful single comics until their late 30s and 40s. I also know a lot of comics who die from the effects of drug use probably due to depression, stress and loneliness. There’s probably a middle ground, but that’s not very exciting.

I’m constantly lonely. but if I go hang out with friends it’s usually inconvenient for me because of my schedule. So I have to drive 30 minutes to a friends house and hang out for a few hours. That’s taking extra gas money out of my pocket, which stresses my finances, which makes me want to just do drugs. Somdad1ething like that. Not that I need a life partner right away, plus that’s a whole other amount of stress I don’t need. “You don’t pay attention to my stories!” ugh. I think the only reason I’ve avoided marriage is because I’m not sure who I want to hate in 5 years.

I think about having kids a lot. Mostly scared. Mostly wondering how the hell my parents did it. How do you do balance the constant fear. I’m starting to understand those crazy cults. lol. It starts out innocent enough. Then it becomes: “Here! Wear this leash. Don’t leave the house. ever. No you can’t have a computer. The internet is dangerous. Look, have a baby with your brother. He’s a nice boy. We trust him.” I would love to un see things I’ve accidentally clicked on.

Another thing I worry about is losing control of the kids I might have one day. There’s a grace period with parenting. They love you for the first 10 years almost no matter what. As long as you try. “My dad can kick your dad’s ass.”  Then it’s gonna take a nosedive no matter what. That sounds like fun.

I remember my parents were super heros growing up. I don’t really remember hating them. I’m sure they’ll disagree. I was arguing with my dad the other day about how he never went to any of my baseball games as a kid. He got really defensive. “I sat through plenty of shitty baseball games.” He said it with such passion and accuracy that I immediately believed him. I was not cranking them out the yard. Maybe he was there. lol. I always knew my dad was in Alcoholics Anonymous but for most of my life he was in it sober. So it wasn’t a weakness. I was like “He DEFEATED ALCOHOL!”

Protecting them from the outside world is hard enough, then you’ve gotta protect them from you. Whoops permanent mental scars there. Sorry about that.

Plus, I’m around comedians 90% of my human interaction. All I hear are horror stories. I’m sure it can’t all be bad.

What about the good parts? It’s like you 2.0. The NEW, IMPROVED ANDREW. I think I’d be a great dad because my kids would be amazing. Because I screwed up in so many ways, I would be able to tell them everything they’re doing wrong. “Here’s what I did as a kid. You do the opposite.” – Drop that stupid stick, you’re not a wizard. Girls aren’t gonna like you, trust me.

I suppose I’ll have to find a girlfriend first.

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