Seriously, Follow me on Twitter

It’s no secret I’m a social media whore. Unfortunately, unlike real whores, I don’t get paid for it. I used to not care about twitter but a local comedian kind of called me out for not posting jokes on twitter. I kinda mumbled about how it’s hard to write short jokes because I’m a story teller on stage and blah blah. Then I punched myself. Oh poor baby. Instead of watching 12 hours of porn a day, try to write some jokes. So I did. I’ve really stepped it up. I’m proud of it. My retweets and favorites have gone way up. The other comedian has since unfollowed me, but I’ll win them back one day. So if you unfollowed me over the years. I apologize. Come on back. @andrewjrivers. I noticed I tend to respond well to people telling me I stink at something. I take offense to it and try to prove them wrong. QUICK! Someone tell me I suck at making money! Well, that one’s not gonna happen.

Recently, I got into a fight with a pornstar on twitter. I know this girl. I used to know her. Not anymore, because she’s a pornstar. Not that I wouldn’t still talk to her. I’d say it’s mostly her decision. Which goes for most non pornstar women, probably. and I’m not mad about it. This isn’t a rant like, “Why don’t you love me?” I get it. I’m a comedian. We have a lot in common with pornstars. All my friends are comedians. My parents don’t understand why I do this. I pretend it’s art. If you watch one of my clips online, you’re filled with shame. Those sorts of things. but I used to know this girl. The deal is actually, I used to buy her alcohol when she was under 21. and Now, she’s a pornstar. I feel like I corrupted her. It’s all my fault. and I deserve 10 percent! You’re nothing without me!

So we’re still friends on facebook, and she posted an update that was like “I’m now ranked #5 on the most popular people born in Yakima list on IMDB.” and I was confused, I didn’t know pornstars were listed on imdb. I went to 2 years of film school. They never taught us that. So I started writing a bunch of jokes on twitter. Like “how are numbers 1-4 NOT pornstars.” Because Yakima is a terrible town. Most girls there have a reputation for getting naked for free. If you know what I’m saying. Or at least that’s what you say about any town you look down on when you’re in Seattle. That’s how it feels. Seattle has to be snobby.

Long story short: she found the tweets and started retweeting me because the jokes are hilarious. You know who didn’t find it hilarious? Like 200 of her twitter followers. I got so many angry messages. Which you would think if you’re whacking off all the time, you would be a little more relaxed.

I tried to be snarky. I told her she couldn’t call herself a star if all her videos were made with cell phone cameras. She said I couldn’t call myself a comedian if all of my videos have 12 views. I guess she has a point. but until I looked her up after this recent interaction. I had no idea she was actually a real porn star.

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