Homeless for the Holidays *updated*


It should be noted that while google searching to find an appropriate picture. Do not type “Fat Bum” into google if you’re at work. You will see some large and in charge women, Men, and even an elephant (actually it might have been a woman still).

This is one of these really really old jokes that’s been retired for many many months, but I wrote a new line for it the other day, and I want to put it on the blog so I can delete it from my notes in my phone. So here’s a sort of updated version of a really old joke with a couple new lines.

It’s the holidays which is about the time you see more bums than usual on the street corners. Which also is because we’re in a recession, but the holidays is the most vulnerable time for your feelings. I do feel bad for the homeless guys. but I have to be honest. There’s a specific set of bums that I have no sympathy for whatsoever. Those. Are the FAT bums. You know the one I’m talking about. Standing on the street corner with a sign that says “I’m hungry.” It’s like “Really?”  “No you’re not.” “Where’d you get that pizza box for your sign? There’s cheese on it still. It’s steaming. Your sign is warm. Maybe if you didn’t spend $50 on a large pizza and breadsticks for your sign, you could have paid rent on time.” “Your sign is WARM!” “Why don’t you just stop lying about it. You see bums all the time with signs like ‘why lie? need a beer.’ Why don’t you just change your sign to say ‘I’m STILL hungry.’ Because the only way you’re homeless is if you lived in a gingerbread house and you ate it.” It’s impossible to tell who’s homeless anymore. I see bums wearing knee braces and crutches. I get the idea. Look miserable. Look Hurt. But you’re not helping. You’ve got better health insurance than I do. I think the only way to tell is to look at a bums teeth. Because I know people with real jobs who don’t even have Dental. Microsoft is laying people off. You see bums with signs like ‘http colon backslash backslash hungry dot html’ ok. This is getting ridiculous. I think the other guy had the write idea. If I were a bum I would try to look miserable all the time. I think the other guy had the right idea. Just poor execution. If I were walking down the street and I saw a bum who had pissed on himself. Just smelly. Gross. Looking miserable. He could be missing or leg or just hiding it. Holding up Season tickets to the Seahawks. That’s a guy who I would give my money too. You sir. Wow. Forget the stock market. You made some bad investments.”

Now I’ve benched the joke for a couple reasons. I love my newer stuff. and the Seahawks are actually doing well. We’re still laughable anywhere in the country. (believe me. The joke KILLS everywhere else in the country.) but it’s time for some optimism anyway. It’s just one that has fallen by the wayside. If I have to fill an hour. I will pull it out sometime but a lot of people have different versions of the same “What’s the deal with homeless people” joke. It’s time to break new ground.

(If a homeless person has a funny sign, he hasnt been homeless for that long. A real homeless person is too hungry to be funny. – Chris Rock – 2minutes and 15 seconds into the following video:)

(* my friend Adam Norwest has a line which I will throw in here for good measure while we’re on the topic. I never used it and he goes off on a seperate rant that I don’t think he currently uses. I know this blog is usually about my jokes but if he gets famous, then I’ll probably tour with him, so it’s a win – win. lol) And it looks like the bum in this picture had the same thought.
“If I were homeless. I would open a cardboard box and sharpie store.” – Adam Norwest

It made me wonder. “Where do the bums get their signs from?” I’ve seen some pretty elaborate stuff. I’ve seen guys with laminated signs (Bums can’t afford Kinkos!) – Colored in signs on nice white paper (bums can’t afford colored pencils) – If you spend as much time driving as I have around the city you’re bound to wander into some unusual sights. Someone once said (paraphasing): “What seperates comedians from normal people is that a normal people sees something. Has a funny thought. and then keeps walking. A comedian sees something. Has a funny thought. and writes it down. Then he examines it for hours, playing with it, until it becomes a polished piece of material.”


UPDATE AGAIN: Here’s a new piece that can fit in this giant smorgesborg of a bit.

I think it would be funny if the bum switched signs with the guy in the hot dog costume on the corner. If I was walking down the street and saw a guy in a hot dog costume with a sign that said “Fallen on hard times. Please Help.” I would be like “You know what. I believe you.” and if I were walking down that same street and I saw a bum on the corner, holding a sign that said “Footlongs, for one dollar.” I would be like, “Dude. I’ll give you 2 dollars if you stop touching me.”

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