We live in an age where anyone can get ahold of you for any reason if they try hard enough. I know my phone number is buried in my website and if people really want to find out how much money I made, they can dig through the blog posts (one million dollars!!!). I don’t think the IRS is worried about my pennies, when they’ve got people who are making 100x what I make hiding my annual income from them. I encourage the connection, I’ll pass out cards with my phone number and website on it after shows. I have a calendar that shows everywhere I’m going to be in the next few months. Everywhere I’ve been since 2010! I use my credit card everywhere, it used to be because I was broke, but now it’s for the reward points or whatever. Out of habit, plus it’s trackable if someone was good, maybe one day if the police need it. They’ll use it. I remember when I was young a lawyer friend would always tell me to get receipts for purchases, so if you’re ever accused of a crime, I would be able to say where I was. That’s ridiculous, I’m white, I’m not gonna go to jail for something I didn’t do. That’s not something I’ll have to worry about. Probably.

Most people know the limits, most people just use regular email or facebook to connect in an appropriate manner. I’ve gotten a few random text messages where the person was like “sorry for finding your number, I’m just curious about your next show or whatever.” and then there are people who were clueless and just text and call all the time. They usually get the hint when you stop responding.

Some guy thinks he can help your career. Then he starts calling you all the time and even though you know he’s mostly full of shit about his buddy that has a bar that can do a show. You just put him in your phone book as “that one guy” or something and know to let it go to voicemail and call him back when you have nothing to do and see if he’s any closer to landing you that gig he keeps talking about. There was one particular guy who would call me every month and ask if I wanted to do this show at this bar and I would say yes, set it up, pick a date, get me a check and I’ll be there. He would ramble on for 20 minutes and I’m like, why are you still talking? He’s stopped calling for about a year now. That’s good.

I’ve gotten various messages over the years that have led to various forms of relationships with people who were just normal people after shows but in the last 2 days, I think I’ve gotten the 2 funniest messages for the complete opposite reasons:

I did a show the other night and I have started opening on this 50 shades of grey material. If I do say so myself, it’s coming out the gate strong. It makes me laugh, it’s silly, but there’s enough truth mixed in that I can justify opening with it. Anyway, this stuff leads into porn jokes and I’m playing around with a couple other funny porn stories at open mic that I’ve written and not told before. Write what you know!

Pro:
A girl that I’ve known for a while but never really hung out with, came out to the show, she sent me a text that said: “You were really funny tonight. but I’m sorry you have to masturbate so much.” I was like “How sorry exactly?” Hilarious. Top 5 interaction of all time. (PS. She had my number before the show, so that’s not a creepy text, where it’s like “Sorry you masturbate a lot.” and I’m like “How sorry? wait boy or girl? Who is this? Nevermind, doesn’t matter! oh yeah!”)

Con:
Here’s how this interaction goes, Last April, I do a show in Portland. I get a random email the next day:

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Mikeinsocal@rocketmail.com: “What’s up dude?

I saw you last night at Harveys and you killed it! Your jokes were hilarious and it seemed to me that everyone around me agreed.”

Me: “Thank You! Tell everyone you know. I need to get famous soon. Cheers, Andrew.”

Mikeinsocal@rocketmail.com: I’ll do what I can to make you famous!

–End of Interaction –

UNTIL today.

Mikeinsocal@rocketmail.com: “Boxers or briefs? I’m a fan! I won’t tell.”

At first glance, I thought, maybe he’s trying to make a joke and I don’t get it. I looked at the previous emails. Still don’t get it. Did I talk about underwear on stage last year? No I don’t have underwear jokes. Did the other comedian? Don’t think so.

Well, since he’s going to google me, I’ll just google his email address and see what pops up. Hm. 43 posts on a message board called LPSG.com. Which, after a little bit of research is short hand for large penis support group. How am I not already a member! (no pun intended). Hmm. Surely this is some innocent message board where guys get together and say “Gosh, I have such a big penis, my tighty whiteys are killing me, what are some of your guys’ methods for containing the beast?” lol. After further research (I DO have too much time on my hands. I also have too much time IN my hands. #lpsg #reallybadstandup.)- Google result number 2 is a website called “CafePharma Message Boards” and under the link it shows mike posting: “I like tighty whiteys.”

How far does this rabbit hole go? There’s posts with him responding to “I’m horny, wanna cam now?” threads. It’s fascinating stuff. You see, this is why I can’t hang out with people. I need to google Large Penis Support Groups. I went to the website thinking “Maybe my fanbase has found me?” Let’s see what’s going on. Sadly nothing in the “Celebrity Endowments” section under Andrew Rivers. Time to start a thread.

It’s amazing what you can find on the internet. I mean. OF COURSE there’s a board for LPSG. lol. Oh an by the way. Fuck yeah that’s his real email address. Names will be changed to protect the innocent, but if you’re going to email this shit to a comedian with too much time on his hands. You’re damn right I’m going to try and tell this story on my blog and on stage.