This story has no ending. but I’ll keep trying.
I was leaving a show one night at a place called Laughs Comedy Spot. I was on my way home one night real late, but I had to stop at the bank first because I always deposit my check as soon as possible. For some reason in my mind, I still can’t get over the fact that people pay me to do this. However small the check is, I’m still like “The Bank has it. No take backs!”
I am on the main road. The bank entrance is right there.I’m real bad with measurements. 100 feet? I could probably run there without stopping but I’d be pretty winded. If I were fat on the outside, that joke would be funnier. but I’m trying to explain that I have a split second decision to make. I see a guy on the sidewalk walking kind of backwards or sideways. Not moonwalking. But keeled over. Holding on to a handrail, and dragging his body with him. It’s hard to explain with words. Does this look a human? -> n-|o
But he’s right by the bank entrance. So in my head I’m like. If I stop, I might have to talk to him. Or he might murder me. I’m more afraid of a conversation than murder. I clearly need help with my social skills. but I shake it off, like “nothings gonna happen. You’re fine.”
I pull in to the bank. I’m at the ATM. and I can hear him walking towards me. He’s coughing and he’s snarling. and I’m like. Ah fuck. Zombies. That explains a lot. but instead of attacking me. He just sits down on the curb. Drooling and snarling. I’m done with my transaction by the way. I’m just scared to go to my car. So I start looking at the camera in the ATM. and I’m pointing with my eyes and my head. Like “If I go missing. It’s that guys’ fault!” I’ve seen Forensic Files. I know they’re gonna pull my bank files and find my body.
Finally, I get the courage to walk towards my car. Like, it looks like it’s the old school slow zombies not the new shit that can run faster dead than alive. I can probably beat him to my car and then drive off from there. But as soon as I walk towards my car. He gets up, starts walking away. Well. Dragging himself away. Drooling and snarling.
So I’m like “hey man, are you ok?” he goes “No.” – Alright. I deserve that. Dumb questions get a dumb answer.
“I need to go to the hospital.”
“Do you want me to call an ambulance?”
“I can’t afford an ambulance.”
“Shit. I get that. It’s hard out here for a pimp.”
The hospital is right up the hill. It’s a 3 minute drive including a red light, but this guy would never make it. So I decide to be a hero.
“Let me drive you up there. It’s on my way and it’s a 2 minute drive.”
“Thank you so much.”
So he gets in the car, and I’m still a little hesitant.
“Hey man. Just don’t stab me or something.”
Like all of a sudden, he’s like “AWWW MAN! Now that you asked nicely.”
A better request would been like “Hey man. Can you try to keep the drool on your own self. It’s a new car. I really don’t want to clean it.”
So we start driving, and he won’t buckle his seat belt. Which is annoying because it’s a new car that beeps. I’m trying to not be a dick like “Hey I know you’re turning into a werewolf or whatever. but could you buckle your seatbelt. Safety first.”
We stop at a red light and it’s kinda awkwardly quiet, So I start talking to him because what I’ve learned from war movies when a guy is about to die, you gotta yell “STAY WITH ME.” and keep them busy with memories from his childhood or whatever.
“Hey man, what happened?”
“Well. I drank too much mouthwash if that tells you anything.”
and I’m like “I have no idea. My parents are still together or whatever.”
The conversation dies out. We pull into the hospital and he says
“Thanks for the ride. I was walking since Taco Bell.”
“Wait, is it the mouthwash or the taco bell? Cuz I’ve had some tough meals. I know exactly what that’s about. ughhh. That’s probably not real steak.”
As he’s leaving the car. I feel compelled to try to say something. Like. Life advice but I don’t really know what to say in the moment.
“Hey man. Be careful next time.”
YOU TOO?!!! I JUST SAVED YOUR LIFE. CLEARLY I DONT NEED YOUR ADVICE.
I was like the audacity. Get back in the car, I’m driving you back to Taco Bell.
I looked it up when I got home and apparently people drink Mouthwash because it has alcohol in it. but the alcohol in mouthwash is poisonous because if it wasn’t Listerene would be taxed like Vodka. This guy could have died and I saved his life.
City of Kirkland. I want my Medal of Honor.
Anyway. I accept the position as Kirkland’s new batman.