I’ve got a few new stories that I tell on stage about how I got picked on in high school. A lot of this paints me as an innocent victim. Which is far from the truth mostly. There were points were people picked on me for no reasons. Or undisclosed reasons. I’ve taken to blaming it on my face. “My face just says ‘take my lunch money.’ Plus if you think I look young now as a 30 year old adult. Imagine how young I looked 15 years ago. People were walking around high school like ‘what’s this Embryo doing here *kick motion* put him in the trash can.'” By the way. That’s not the joke you think it is. Back in high school. People would chase you around and try to put you in trash cans. Which I would’ve rather been punched. I’m all messy for the rest of the day, and then my mom is pissed off because she just bought these clothes at Ross for me.

I do remember bringing issues on myself. Never intentionally. I was just misunderstood. That’s probably everyone’s excuse. I was just trying to have fun and make people laugh. but nobody else thought I was funny.

How do you like me now?

One time in as a young ninth grade embryo in PE class. We were playing football and the grass was still wet from the morning dew and a guy threw a bad pass and he goes “Ah! The ball is wet.” – I said “Yeah Yeah. Blame it on the grass!” … He looked at me and goes “You’re lucky I’m 18!” – Which loosely translated means “I would murder you, but I’ll go to jail for a long time.”

One time my teacher tried to step in, she pulled me aside and said “You better be careful. I can not stop these guys from hurting you.”

It makes sense that I’m a comedian now. But back then (and probably still now) schools don’t try to stimulate creative kids or find things that interest them. They try to put them on drugs. Luckily my parents never did that. But once I was a marked man, even being the quiet kid didn’t help.

At one point kids my own age were picking on me. Throwing candy at me in the hallways. I had never interacted with these people before. I tried to go to the principal one day. After nervously talking for a few minutes as he typed away on his computer, He asked who the kids were. I said I didn’t know. He told me to go get a copy of the school photos from attendance office. I wandered over myself and did. I found the kids pictures and told him. He looked up from his computer and said “Hey. Do you know how to use microsoft publisher?” He had been working on the school newsletter. I sort of lost faith from then on. Even though that principal left after one year (there was a rumor he was banging a teacher)

Photo by Schwar

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