The Airport stole my toothpaste

Most of the time, my baller drug dealer lifestyle limits me to taking a car everywhere. However recently I flew to Kodiak, Alaska. It had been a while since I flew somewhere so I wasn’t up to date on the safety regulations. I had some issues.

Leaving Seattle, I expected all these x ray machines and fingers in inappropriate places. Naked pictures on TMZ the next day. but to my surprise. Nothing. I didn’t get in a scanner. I didn’t get a physical check. No groping. Nothing. I was actually a little disappointed. The people that are paid to grope me didn’t even want to touch me. It’s their job. I’m glad I never wasted money on a prostitute.

Then in Alaska on the way back. They confiscated my toothpaste. Not because it wasn’t travel size but because most people in Kodiak, Alaska had never heard of toothpaste. So they had no idea what this strange bomb making substance was. “What are these ‘Teeth’ you keep referring too?”

Also Welcome to my new segment called: Andrew’s favorite tweets this month. Stupid jokes that are wasting away on twitter because there’s nowhere else to put them and I don’t have enough followers. Now wasting away in a blog. Follow me on twitter: @andrewjrivers

Facebook should have a relationship status option that says “only when I’m drunk.”
To everyone that was anticipating the #rapture. Don’t worry. It’s gonna be late. #Jesus is black, remember? #brilliant
My dad called and said we should have family dinner tonight. I was like “Did you sleep with the nanny or something?”
You know you play too much COD: Black Ops when during sex you yell “Sticky Going Out!”
I read Jenna Jameson’s Autobiography the other day. It only took me 3 minutes to finish. #reallybadstandup

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