New Bits

I’ve done this a few times here with blog posts turning into videos, but as I started this out, I realized I don’t think I blogged any of these new jokes. They usually start as facebook updates. I try to boil it down to a sentence or two and then when I need to drop a bunch of stuff I look for new jokes and try to piece them together. The tough thing now is working them out, and fitting them in spots in an existing act. The ever evolving Rubik’s Cube called comedy. Every joke is a color, but you mess up the other colors by getting that one. That’s a whole other blog post for another night when I should be sleeping.

First, here’s a fun video that makes me laugh. A person left their ringer on. I tried to ignore it but when it hit the silence and was already throwing me off because I was thinking about the phone instead of talking, I had to address it.

Here’s my joke about first class:


As you might realize if you read the blogs. This joke never made it to blog. It was an idea I wrote in my phone. I didn’t think anyone would find it funny until I rambled through it at an open mic and it worked. Now in most tests with this joke. The punchline has been: “That’s how far back, I usually sit.” but that didn’t get a laugh on this show. So I was forced to improvise. The joke about the curtain was one thing I’d said once before and the captain impression “don’t let them know we have cookies up here, there will be a riot” Was just a riff that worked well. Now those are things I’ll add to the joke.

I knew it was trouble when I started the joke. They weren’t going to make it easy on me. I had to save it a few times. Sometimes with a joke the premise is so absurd, they just go along with you. Now at open mics and small shows, most people are young and poor and don’t go on first class. So the idea of cookies is foreign and they laugh right away. Weekend show. Friday night. Nobody gets why you think thats crazy. They’ve been to first class before. You’re an idiot.

The next joke is about my Police Ride Along:


Kind of a quick story with no real meaning or purpose. Just a time filler if I need it. Works pretty well. I could add to it if I can think of other ways but that’s pretty much all that happened in the night. So it would have to go into hypotheticals which is really not an area I’m strong at. I work best when I’ve experienced a situation and had time to reflect on it. Again, this never made it to a blog because I got lazy. It happened right before I left for tour. So. Whatever. I did make a bunch of facebook statuses that got tons of likes, so I knew the jokes had legs. Adding it all up was pretty easy. If you set the audience up from “I got a bullet proof vest.” and continue telling them “I realized this could actually get scary.” and then say “We got coffee.” It would be the perfect set up. Puddy in my hands from there. This story is perfect blog material. Expect a write up soon. (aka, 5 months.)

The next joke is about attention from gay men and jeans and other stuff:

This is another one I just never blogged about. Again running down my final month in town, and combining several stories into one. In December I stole some of my brothers jeans and made a facebook status about not being able to tell which were his and which were his wife’s. That joke lost some of the luster, and stopped working. So I didn’t really include it in this set. It bothers me that there’s no explanation for why I blame the jeans for the youtube comment but nobody cares. Then right before the super bowl someone left a comment on my video. It was actually on facebook which I may have to say instead of youtube because the “BIG REVEAL” of it actually being a guy doesn’t get a response. One time (several weeks ago) someone yelled out “Who was HE?” – So some people see it coming.

The first part of this joke the “Gay 8” part is off to a great start. I did it on all the shows without going to the jokes about my jeans. It did fantastic on all the shows. Still a few parts to fix like I mentioned. Some of my favorite writing is where I get to set the audience up and make fun of them for thinking something they weren’t even thinking. Because when I started telling the story, it was in Seattle. I knew if this were to work out of town. I’d have to explain that it was in a gay neighborhood. There’s (in my mind) different ways to go about that. One is try to sell “KIND OF A GAYYYY NEIGHBORHOOD” make a goofy face, say it weird, get a reaction that way. To me, that was a last resort. The fact that they’re gay is not the punchline. I’m not trying to make fun of gay people. You don’t want people coming up after shows like “I like how you made fun of them butt fuckers!” – So I just calmly explain that it’s a gay neighborhood like it’s normal and then make fun of the people for reacting weird. In reality, they’re just waiting for the next part of the story. In my mind, they’re getting silent because it got awkward. Very Similar to “Sometimes girls approach you after shows…. just throwing it out there.” Timing is important, also selling your surprise is a delicate balance.

And again, more dick jokes. I had even more jokes about how maybe my penis is really big, but it’s just boring because I see it everyday. Like living next to the space needle. but that didn’t really work consistently IN Seattle. I knew it wouldn’t work out of town. I tried it a few times.

I had another thought recently while watching the tape. How did capital hill become the gay neighborhood? DID we put them there? How do gay’s decide which part of the neighborhood to choose?

The Kale joke is just a thing I made up one day because I was bored. I don’t have anything interesting to say about that.

I didn’t want to waste time making another video, but I did my MLK Tacoma joke after this joke on one show, and people get weird with race. but I thought there might be a way to connect that. Certain groups of people in certain parts of town. Anyway. Enough blogging. On to some more shows. Gotta tighten these jokes up. Another good club this week. Then a tougher club. So it might be back to JIFFY LUBE jokes. ugh.

Trip is going ok so far. Someone stole a jacket that had $200 canadian in it. I got paid in cash from a bunch of gigs up there. I used a lot of it because I knew I wouldn’t be in a state that had Bank of America for a while. So I just paid with Cash for gas for a while. But then I got to USA. I kept it in my jacket before I could go to a bank. Funny thing is Michigan was the first state I was in that had BOA and I went Friday morning. That’s how I realized I lost my jacket thursday night.

I wore it to the show the first night and because I’m a dumbass I just forgot I wore it so I left without it. Some parts of my brain just don’t work. lol. I went back nobody had a clue where it was. It didn’t turn up in lost and found. I was also booked on a show in New Orleans but it looks like that club isn’t opening in time. Which means I have a $200 weekend in Houston that makes no sense now because the anchor gig was in N’aleans. I also was pinning the trip on getting accepted into this comedy festival. I made it to the last round of cuts but didn’t get in. It woulda been an opportunity to make some new connections, showcase for some industry. But I didn’t know anybody running it, I didn’t know anyone at the club sponsoring it. I also know zero of the comics who got accepted. I’ll blame politics for now. So now, I filled that weekend in with a club in Virginia. but that means I go from CT, to Milwaukee, to Virgiina, to nowhere, to Houston, to home? No thanks. I’ll just go to Milwaukee, fly to Virginia, Fly back to Milwaukee, drive home, fly to Houston. I won’t make any money. I’ll probably lose some. but I won’t put an extra 10k miles on my car for no reason. but overall the trip will be a success because of the inroads I made in another few clubs and booking agencies. Scared money don’t make none.

Also – I’ll try to get the LuLu joke on tape soon. That’s one I actually did blog. Rooftop Comedy bought the clip of me doing the joke the first time and put it on their online radio station. So I have some audio of it being worked out but we’ll see if I can get some solid video. It’s a good joke, it’s just long. For new joke economy, it’s easier to start with these one minute clips and space them out in the set across multiple shows. Then throw one giant chunk of turd in the middle of a crisp 20 minutes. lol.

Also – Rooftop Comedy bought my album. More news on that when I have it. but same deal. Some online distribution company they’re partnering with. (Sirius?) I’m not allowed to know yet. That’s kinda cool though.

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