20 questions with Dayton Newspaper

I’m headlining Wiley’s Comedy Club in Dayton, I did a short interview with a newspaper and I thought some of the answers were fun. So I thought I’d post that here. I’ll post the link to the article when it comes out.

What is your favorite movie(s)?

The Christian Bale Batman trilogy was great because it made me feel like if I stopped eating big macs in my hotel room and worked out and read books and had good looks and a lot of money and my palms didn’t sweat when I talked to girls and didn’t like fighting and a couple other things, then, I could be batman. Realistic superheroes are awesome. I’m really worried that Ben Affleck is going to ruin it. Batman vs Superman?! How is that a contest? Superman has Laser Vision. Batman got his ass kicked by Bane. That’s a villain whose only super power was Asthma.

Castaway is great because sometimes when I’m touring, I feel like I’m stranded on an island. Except Dayton, because there’s so many fun cool things to do! (For example: go to comedy clubs!) Plus, even though he gets off the island, his wife is with the dentist that he always hated. Great writing. LIFE DOESN’T ALWAYS HAVE A HAPPY ENDING, KIDS!

If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?

I wish I wasn’t so confident. I just can’t find anything wrong with myself. I’m kidding. My whole show is about what a loser I am. I just don’t want to give away any spoilers.

What would you name the autobiography of your life?

I recorded an album two years ago and I named it “I Get Around” because I have a joke about the Beach Boys in it, but I also felt it encompassed all the topics I discuss in my show. Traveling, dating and music. So in the effort of not having to think of a new title, that’s a good one.

Either that or – “Andrew Rivers – 5 Steps to Success.” (Step 1: Headline Wiley’s Comedy Joint in Dayton. I’m on my way!)

What is something bad about the worst hotel you have ever stayed in?

Worse than any hotel was a house full of comedians in San Francisco. I think 6 comedians living in a 3-bedroom house. One kid used the closet under the stairs as his bedroom. Dirty dishes with dry crusty ice cream and flies and the couch was stained. I’m a messy person, so my tolerance is high but it was so gross, I lied and said I found another friend to stay with and slept in my car the next two days.

That’s why I love the owner’s at Wiley’s. They put in a nice hotel room. A few extra dollars to make the comics happy goes a long way. (Ladies, I’ll be in room 215)

What have you learned in the last week?

I’ve learned that Tinder will drain your battery and your confidence at the same time.

If you could trade places with anyone in the world, who would it be and why?

Kanye West once said “my greatest pain in life is that I will never be able to see myself perform live.” – I would love to trade places with Kanye just so I can feel that good about myself for once.

What was your most embarrassing moment?

Would you like that in Alphabetical or Chronological order? Seriously, just come see the show. I’ll make fun of myself plenty. This article is supposed to make me look cool, right?

What is the hardest thing you have ever had to do?

The Seattle Times put me on the front page and my mom was so excited she went to the store and bought all of the newspapers they had. I was like “Mom. You already know who I am. This is for everybody else.” This is irrelevant to your question; I just wanted to share that story and to tell you to print a few extra copies of this for my mom.

What’s a quality you look for in a woman?

I’m an ass man, but only because it’s harder to get caught looking.

How about a joke?

I’m from Seattle, so I’m a big Seahawks fan. I want Russell Wilson to win the Super Bowl MVP, so he can be like “I’m going to Disneyland!” And the reporter is like “you’re not tall enough for the rides.”

If you have been to Dayton before, is there a place you remember going? Of if not, is there somewhere you plan to go? (If no answer, you don’t have to answer)

I have been before, but I didn’t explore much. I was on week 12 of a 13 week tour so I was busy talking to a volleyball in my hotel room. What are your suggestions? I heard there was a really funny comedian in town. I might go check that out.