What’s the worst that can happen?
After my show, a cute girl asks me for a hug, and I was like “ohhhh yeah.” and then, nothing happened. Let me back up: I have problem. I think anybody who shows any interest at all, wants me. and I also know that’s not true but I still think they’re wrong. Does that make sense? Like a bartender is flirty and I’m like “Once she see how great of a tipper I am, she’ll totally want me.” The problem is, sometimes people do want me and I’m so used to people not wanting me, that I don’t think things through. I even recently put myself on a “sex time out” because I felt like I was still compensating for not getting laid in high school by accepting any offer that came my way. I’m not gonna lie to you, in some small towns, they don’t know I’m not a big star. So sometimes cute girls want to make out with you because you’re funny.
So… a few minutes later, I get a random text message telling me how cute and funny I am and inviting me to a bar. I’m pretty hesitant, it’s like 15 minutes away, I’m still on a sex time out, but I thought what the hell, I’ll go let this girl tell me how cute and funny I am in person. Plus there’s a tornado warning, maybe this is the last compliment I ever get. What’s the worst that can happen?
I walk in to the bar and It’s a gay bar. (If you’re ever not sure if you’re in a gay bar, take a look around. Hot Male Bartender? It’s probably a gay bar. People in the business of selling you alcohol, are also selling you the idea that if you tip well enough, maybe you’ll get to fuck them later.) I walk out, thinking this girl went to a different bar or they just wanted to fuck with me by sending me on a wild goose chase that I TOTALLY deserve. (5 minutes ago, I was wondering if I was leading this girl on by showing up. I was not trying to sleep with her. I was mostly just bored). She writes me back and says she is inside in back, she’ll meet me at the door. I’m thinking “That makes sense, maybe there’s a separate room I didn’t notice. They got the straight room and the gay room. It’s Arkansas, they probably would keep them segregated.”
I walk to the door and out walks a nice young man who greets me with a handshake and a smile. “Not who you thought you were texting I bet?” – I don’t know what’s worse, that I fell for that or that he let me. but I thought fuck it, I’m still getting my compliments. Plus, I’m not scared of gay men. What am I a barbarian? I’m not gonna run away and be like “Cooties!!!” – He obviously knows I’m an idiot, I know I’m an idiot, so I’ll sit and laugh at myself for a few minutes. He goes “Here have a seat, you’re safe here.” – NOW all of a sudden, there’s a tornado siren… in my head. I already felt safe, until he told me to feel safe. When some one is trying to convince you of something you already believe, that’s never good news.
“Cigarettes are fine!”
“No really. It’s ok to smoke them.”
“We promise, there’s no cancer.”
“Wait a second.”
I say “Listen, this was funny but I thought I was texting someone else, so I’m going to go.” “No! come on, just have one drink.” Which makes me laugh only because that line never worked for me either. “Just one drink mr scary guy who led me here under false pretenses and keeps saying I’m safe? OK, but just ONE!” – No thanks. I walk back to my car.
He knocks on the window of my car. I lower it just a little, right to the “No officer, I haven’t had any drinks.” level. He puts his hands all the way in and he keeps laughing and going “You’re safe. It’s fine. Don’t worry about it.” and I’m like “Nobody believes you.” – He reaches down towards my crotch and this is happening in slow motion. I’m seat buckled in and I can’t move. So I SLAPPED his hand. Like it was a bee. I was like “Yah! AH!! Git! Bad dog.” and he backs off and he winks at me and goes “Use that in your next show.” and I’m like “Fuck you I will.” and I’m driving away and I’m going “Shit. There’s no way to make me look like I’m not an idiot. Oh well. Good thing I have a blog nobody reads.”