The Fake Filet Mignon
My dad has a radio show, and sometimes they do commercials for a restaurant in Seattle. Sometimes they pay him in gift cards. My parents are hardly in Seattle and they know I’m poor, so they give me gift cards to this place all the time. Here’s the thing. I’m never in Seattle either. I live in Kirkland. I’m 15-20 minutes from this place. There’s a toll bridge. There’s a $5 cover charge just to get to Seattle from where I live. but I do know if I’m ever there, I’ve got a free meal. Most of the time when I’m in Seattle, I’ll call up and get a sandwich to go or something, even though it’s a nice restaurant. The other day I found myself out there with a friend and I said let’s go eat at this place. I literally have 4 gift cards worth several hundred dollars in my wallet. We were browsing the menu, both poor comedians. He said “What can I get?” I said “Whatever. I’ve got a card with $200 on it. and 3 others with various amounts less than that.” It was the end of the world, we said “Screw it.” We ordered some nice Filet Mignon steaks.
I tend to avoid ordering that kind of thing. First of all, I don’t have that defined of a pallet. It tastes good to me. But so does Wendys. I’m poor, I’m not that picky. Is it affordable? Great. Second. I don’t want him (my stomach) getting all cocky. Right now, stomach of steel. We have an agreement. No taco bell. No gas station hot dogs. I’ll order the pretend healthy chicken at fast food places and we can lie to each other. If I start using gift cards all the time and getting fancy meals, he’s going to get comfortable and then the next morning when I down a plate of Nachos, Calamari and Vodka Tonics during a football game. He’s going to freak out. But If it’s once every few months. It’s a treat. He’s happy. A nice reward.
So. Yeah. We ordered $50 steaks with a gift card. Classy. The waiter knew we were out of our element too because he was like “Ok, would you like any A-1 Sauce or Ketchup? Hopefully not?” He said “HOPEFULLY NOT” like he was dropping hints. He was like you spoiled asshole, your meal costs more money than I’m going to make tonight. I don’t get to eat that nice food, don’t fuck it up with Ketchup. That made me want to ask for Ketchup even more. Just dump loads of it on the steak and watch him cry. Throw it on the ground and order another one. I don’t care, I’ve got 4 more gift cards. I was very polite but he probably hated me. I wanted to tip him with a steak. Like when you buy a shot for the bartender? Can you do that with a waiter? I felt bad, he looked pissed off. He resented me. You just walk in here and ordered the most expensive thing on the menu? He probably gave us a crappier but still good steak, like a New York Steak and we didn’t even know. Which is exactly what happened by the way.
My friend and I were enjoying our steaks like idiots. “Wow. The flavor. This is nice.” and then the bill came and it was for the $30 New York Steak instead of the $50 Filet. Which is the extra asshole move. He could have charged us $50 and we woulda never known. but he said “I’m not wasting this on you.” and handed us a bill. It takes a special kind of balls to commit a crime and then leave a note asking for money. He probably went around the corner to applebees and got us the $8 steak and put the new york steaks in a bag for himself.
Then we finished it all off with a nice ice cream sundae. Just to let the stomach know who’s in charge. Steak and Ice cream. Can life get better? I submit that it can not.