Comedian
Optimism is Naive
Heroic Secret Service agent takes question aimed at Bush
You like my new slogan?
lol. I gotta figure out how to make any sense of it. but It’s fitting. I like to think I’m confident. I like the feeling of introducing myself and then saying “Nice to meet you. Congratulations. Your life is about to change.” I don’t know why. Anyway, on to my next bit that I wrote that hasn’t seen a stage yet. – Thinking back it’s kinda similar to Kyle Cease’s voicemail that I liked. “You’ve reach Kyle Cease. You’re Welcome.” Maybe I’ll get rid of it now that I’ve realized that. [Edit: I've changed the little slogan now. "Don't try this at home." we'll see how long it lasts.]
You ever look back on a relationship and wonder how you missed all the warning signs? Everytime I meet a new girl that actually likes me, I get so excited. I want to like her so much that I ignore all the red flags. *hands over ears* la la la. There’s nothing wrong with a xanax perscription. Yeah. She’s got big ears and her friends call her mickey mouse. Maybe she’s just a good listener. All the better to hear you with my dear. Then a week later I get so depressed like why do I even bother. At least I get a couple more jokes out of it.
I hate positivity. Don’t you hate it when your friends say that to you after something shitty happens? “At least you got a good story out of it!” That’s the worst phrase to comfort someone with. I’m like I don’t want a story. I want a girlfriend. I will trade all my dating jokes for a cute, non psycho woman with money in savings and doesn’t mind that I’m never home. I will do airplane food jokes. That’s fine.
That’s the tough thing about dating a comic. We’re always gone. It’s like dating a guy in the military. Except the whole in shape, uniform, life skills thing. and if I get shot, you don’t get any money. I know it’s not likely but I do perform in Tacoma once in a while.
But at least if I get shot, it will be a funny story. That’s what my prom date said in high school when our limo crashed and our driver faked his own death. Great story someday. No. That’s a terrible story. Great stories get you laid. You ran in a burning building and saved ten kittens? Awww. You jumped in front of a bullet meant for the president. Badass. – Wait. Which president?
OK, I’m all caught up now, so I’ll comment on this one. Because first of all, you’re wrong, it’s a great story. Any story with so many twists that it sounds like it almost has to be made up = gold! (And since it’s not on this new site yet I won’t spoil it for anyone, I’ll just say my favorite part is where you realized you were gay, ya big pickle-smoocher.)
I kinda had to throw that aggro out there because this part’s sappy: this post made me sad that we haven’t seen each other for a while. Hopefully you find one of those 3′s and get some rebound points on the board soon.
That Cease VM is great, and was new for me. It reminds me of Anthony Jeselnik’s appearance on Jimmy Fallon – he was the first comic to do a stand-up set after Jimmy took over from Conan (Jeselnik’s one of the writers on the show), I think about 6 weeks or something after the transition. Anyway, the video’s not online anymore, but he was introduced and came out, you could sorta tell it was a big moment… and he just brought super confident 100mph heat with a totally balls-out opener: “Thank you for tuning in to Late Night with Jimmy Fallon. Here’s where it’s all going to pay off for you.”