The STD scare
I wanted to re write this story and add some context and end results and more jokes because I can’t think of any new jokes lately. So a while ago. I had an incident. A bump appeared on my balls. I freaked out. No no! Not now. I’m in my prime. This can’t be happening. I stopped sleeping with girls from Kent. I wore condoms. Sometimes. What more could you ask from me? So I went to go get an STD test. Because I tried Google Images and that was … inconclusive. Wikipedia was like “maybe you’re growing a third ball!” – So I went to the public health clinic in downtown Seatte. It was $40 for a complete test and you can give a fake name. Because let’s face it. I’m a celebrity. Before they take your blood, they make you fill out this big questionnaire on a touch screen computer. and. I wore a glove. I figured now was a good time to start. So you fill out this whole survey “How many partners have you had in the last year?” “how many of them were hooters waitresses?” “Do your parents know your gay?” stuff like that. Then you go to the back room and take a blood test. Now with the blood test, it takes a whole week to get your results back. I was freaking out. I’m trying to build up karma points like I can change the results. I’m taking clothes to goodwill, I’m helping old ladies across the street. And getting their numbers. I remember during the week, I made a promise to god that if I passed the test. I would change my ways. I would get a girlfriend. So then the results came back negative. It was like God called my bluff. So I decide I’m gonna ask a girl out. We’d been friends for a while. Blah blah blah. One day I texted her that I loved her because I was drinking. I didn’t tell her that it was only because I was drunk but then for some reason. She starts avoiding me. I don’t know if she started reading my blog or what but she doesn’t return texts, she doesn’t want to hang out. She didn’t like anything on facebook. I post a LOT of stuff. You didn’t like ANY of it? She hadn’t even POKED me. So I gave up. Now. Looking back. God bailed me out. I tried to hold up my end of the agreement. He was like “damn, I didn’t know he was gonna ACTUALLY do it.” but I was still worried about this bump on my balls. I go to my regular doctor. He checks it out and says “Oh yeah. No big deal. Just a cyst.” I’m pestering him with questions “Are you sure? Does it go away? Is it gonna come back? Whats the deal?” He’s like “It’s fine. Just leave it alone.” and I’m still paranoid. I was like “are you sure?” “He’s like yes. It’s a cyst. 100% – It’s similar to how you would look at a tree and go oh that’s a douglas fir or that’s an alpine. That’s a cyst, It’s not an STD.” I was like did he call my penis a tree?- Don’t worry I won’t make any more wood jokes or talk about the girth of my tree trunk. Shazam.