Andrew J Rivers

Andrew J Rivers

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Posts by Andrew J Rivers

Troublemaker

I’ve got a few new stories that I tell on stage about how I got picked on in high school. A lot of this paints me as an innocent victim. Which is far from the truth mostly. There were points were people picked on me for no reasons. Or undisclosed reasons. I’ve taken to blaming it on my face. “My face just says ‘take my lunch money.’ Plus if you think I look young now as a 30 year old adult. Imagine how young I looked 15 years ago. People were walking around high school like ‘what’s this Embryo doing here *kick motion* put him in the trash can.’” By the way. That’s not the joke you think it is. Back in high school. People would chase you around and try to put you in trash cans. Which I would’ve rather been punched. I’m all messy for the rest of the day, and then my mom is pissed off because she just bought these clothes at Ross for me.

I do remember bringing issues on myself. Never intentionally. I was just misunderstood. That’s probably everyone’s excuse. I was just trying to have fun and make people laugh. but nobody else thought I was funny.

How do you like me now?

One time in as a young ninth grade embryo in PE class. We were playing football and the grass was still wet from the morning dew and a guy threw a bad pass and he goes “Ah! The ball is wet.” – I said “Yeah Yeah. Blame it on the grass!” … He looked at me and goes “You’re lucky I’m 18!” – Which loosely translated means “I would murder you, but I’ll go to jail for a long time.”

One time my teacher tried to step in, she pulled me aside and said “You better be careful. I can not stop these guys from hurting you.”

It makes sense that I’m a comedian now. But back then (and probably still now) schools don’t try to stimulate creative kids or find things that interest them. They try to put them on drugs. Luckily my parents never did that. But once I was a marked man, even being the quiet kid didn’t help.

At one point kids my own age were picking on me. Throwing candy at me in the hallways. I had never interacted with these people before. I tried to go to the principal one day. After nervously talking for a few minutes as he typed away on his computer, He asked who the kids were. I said I didn’t know. He told me to go get a copy of the school photos from attendance office. I wandered over myself and did. I found the kids pictures and told him. He looked up from his computer and said “Hey. Do you know how to use microsoft publisher?” He had been working on the school newsletter. I sort of lost faith from then on. Even though that principal left after one year (there was a rumor he was banging a teacher)

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Family

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My proud Republican cousin said she likes to raid her moms pantry when she comes home from college. I told her to earn her own and stop taking handouts like some kind of liberal hippie. I got the worst glare. She’s become easier to talk to recently. She said “Well, now I’m working for a libertarian candidate so that’s kind of better.” She also explained how easy it is for her to get a job because … she’s a young woman. They jump at the chance to have someone of her kind working for them because they typically hate women, but they need to show the rest of the world. “HEY LOOK AT US! WOMEN ARE PEOPLE TOO!” – She said the first thing they told her was to buy a bunch of derby hats. So they can show her off.

She’s amazingly self aware. Maybe she’s just smarter than all of us? She picked a job where she KNEW she would flourish easily. Meanwhile I’m emailing comedy clubs across the country for $300 gigs that cost $600 to travel to.

Are any republicans hiring? I’m available for $301 a weekend.

The Worlds Toughest Job

I was thinking about the police ride along (a story I never blogged because I went straight to stage with it and I’m lazy.) and how it started with a police officer said “I could never do what you do.” and I’ve had an idea in the back of my mind. I thought of the link. I’ll expand on the thought’s I had after the main writing and chime in here and there with overall feelings of subjects. It’s a blog, I’m just trying to add words. Standup is where you subtract words.

The toughest job in the world, by far, is being a doctor. Because most of the time, they’re just guessing.

Don’t get me wrong, I got nothing against educated guessing. A lot of us are guessing in life, most of the time. (“I’m pretty sure that pipeline won’t kill any animals” – “Gee. I don’t think we’re warming the planet. The icebergs are just melting because they feel bad they sank the Titanic.”) I’m guessing right now. I’m guessing that this is a funny joke. I’m probably wrong. but guess what? Nobody dies at the end.

I went to the doctor one time because I had a rash on my penis. He looked at it and was like “hmm, might be a yeast infection.” – I used to be embarrassed to do these things at the doctor. Until you realize, that’s a person. That’s a human. He doesn’t want to look at your penis either, that’s just his job. I think in general most of my body shame has disappeared. We all have penises and vaginas. What’s the big deal? I’m not about to become a nudist. But in the appropriate times, let’s all take a look and see – I was like: “DOC! This is my penis. I need a little more confidence.” – He picks it up again and looks closer and goes “Well. It looks kinda yeasty. So try this and if it doesn’t work, come back.” and they gave me a tube of cream (vagisil) and sent me on my way. Luckily, he was right, and he didn’t have to die. but I still felt shaken by the experience. They did what I did on webMD. They did it in less time, but still. I had it narrowed down on my own, I spent two hours on the internet going ok, it’s either a yeast infection or cancer. The real life MD was no better than his internet counterpart. He ruled out Polio and Smallpox but only because they’ve cured those.

By the way. Guess why I had a rash on my penis? Because of some medicine a different doctor gave me.

After the rash incident, I went to the doctor and said “No more of that stuff.” She gave me some different stuff. I did not poop right for weeks. I did plenty of research before going to the doctor on that one. I get things under control, but a few weeks later, I start having the itchiest bum in the world, . I go to a different doctor – Yeah. Isn’t this fun? – Maybe I didn’t emphasize enough how this felt. Because he takes a look under the hood for about 2 seconds, and says it’s all fine. I trust his word. He’s a doctor. Then I realize that’s the toughest job in the world. He didn’t wake up today like “I’m so glad I went to school. Now I get to look at itchy assholes.” and he guessed wrong, because it’s a month later. Still itchy bum. I’ve been conducting my own experiments, and I think it’s a pingworm issue. I’ll let you know.

By the way. Last doctor has been my doctor for years. I just asked him – You guys are kinda wingin it, huh? That’s tough. – He rambled a bit but agreed.

By the way. Full disclosure. Louie has been stealing jokes out of my head. and the trailer has some similar experiences:

This is when you know your writing is on the right track. I’ve had some of these thoughts in my phone for a month. I’m sure Louie wrote them earlier, but they were released last week. Similar experiences generate similar jokes and stories. I need to find some new experiences that don’t involve my butt.

I’ll go work on that now. Thanks for not reading.

Also, let’s check out some excellent jokes on a related topic:

Bill Burr on the toughest job in the world:

Bill Burr on why being president is the worst job:

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New Bits

I’ve done this a few times here with blog posts turning into videos, but as I started this out, I realized I don’t think I blogged any of these new jokes. They usually start as facebook updates. I try to boil it down to a sentence or two and then when I need to drop a bunch of stuff I look for new jokes and try to piece them together. The tough thing now is working them out, and fitting them in spots in an existing act. The ever evolving Rubik’s Cube called comedy. Every joke is a color, but you mess up the other colors by getting that one. That’s a whole other blog post for another night when I should be sleeping.

First, here’s a fun video that makes me laugh. A person left their ringer on. I tried to ignore it but when it hit the silence and was already throwing me off because I was thinking about the phone instead of talking, I had to address it.

Here’s my joke about first class:


As you might realize if you read the blogs. This joke never made it to blog. It was an idea I wrote in my phone. I didn’t think anyone would find it funny until I rambled through it at an open mic and it worked. Now in most tests with this joke. The punchline has been: “That’s how far back, I usually sit.” but that didn’t get a laugh on this show. So I was forced to improvise. The joke about the curtain was one thing I’d said once before and the captain impression “don’t let them know we have cookies up here, there will be a riot” Was just a riff that worked well. Now those are things I’ll add to the joke.

I knew it was trouble when I started the joke. They weren’t going to make it easy on me. I had to save it a few times. Sometimes with a joke the premise is so absurd, they just go along with you. Now at open mics and small shows, most people are young and poor and don’t go on first class. So the idea of cookies is foreign and they laugh right away. Weekend show. Friday night. Nobody gets why you think thats crazy. They’ve been to first class before. You’re an idiot.

The next joke is about my Police Ride Along:


Kind of a quick story with no real meaning or purpose. Just a time filler if I need it. Works pretty well. I could add to it if I can think of other ways but that’s pretty much all that happened in the night. So it would have to go into hypotheticals which is really not an area I’m strong at. I work best when I’ve experienced a situation and had time to reflect on it. Again, this never made it to a blog because I got lazy. It happened right before I left for tour. So. Whatever. I did make a bunch of facebook statuses that got tons of likes, so I knew the jokes had legs. Adding it all up was pretty easy. If you set the audience up from “I got a bullet proof vest.” and continue telling them “I realized this could actually get scary.” and then say “We got coffee.” It would be the perfect set up. Puddy in my hands from there. This story is perfect blog material. Expect a write up soon. (aka, 5 months.)

The next joke is about attention from gay men and jeans and other stuff:

This is another one I just never blogged about. Again running down my final month in town, and combining several stories into one. In December I stole some of my brothers jeans and made a facebook status about not being able to tell which were his and which were his wife’s. That joke lost some of the luster, and stopped working. So I didn’t really include it in this set. It bothers me that there’s no explanation for why I blame the jeans for the youtube comment but nobody cares. Then right before the super bowl someone left a comment on my video. It was actually on facebook which I may have to say instead of youtube because the “BIG REVEAL” of it actually being a guy doesn’t get a response. One time (several weeks ago) someone yelled out “Who was HE?” – So some people see it coming.

The first part of this joke the “Gay 8″ part is off to a great start. I did it on all the shows without going to the jokes about my jeans. It did fantastic on all the shows. Still a few parts to fix like I mentioned. Some of my favorite writing is where I get to set the audience up and make fun of them for thinking something they weren’t even thinking. Because when I started telling the story, it was in Seattle. I knew if this were to work out of town. I’d have to explain that it was in a gay neighborhood. There’s (in my mind) different ways to go about that. One is try to sell “KIND OF A GAYYYY NEIGHBORHOOD” make a goofy face, say it weird, get a reaction that way. To me, that was a last resort. The fact that they’re gay is not the punchline. I’m not trying to make fun of gay people. You don’t want people coming up after shows like “I like how you made fun of them butt fuckers!” – So I just calmly explain that it’s a gay neighborhood like it’s normal and then make fun of the people for reacting weird. In reality, they’re just waiting for the next part of the story. In my mind, they’re getting silent because it got awkward. Very Similar to “Sometimes girls approach you after shows…. just throwing it out there.” Timing is important, also selling your surprise is a delicate balance.

And again, more dick jokes. I had even more jokes about how maybe my penis is really big, but it’s just boring because I see it everyday. Like living next to the space needle. but that didn’t really work consistently IN Seattle. I knew it wouldn’t work out of town. I tried it a few times.

I had another thought recently while watching the tape. How did capital hill become the gay neighborhood? DID we put them there? How do gay’s decide which part of the neighborhood to choose?

The Kale joke is just a thing I made up one day because I was bored. I don’t have anything interesting to say about that.

I didn’t want to waste time making another video, but I did my MLK Tacoma joke after this joke on one show, and people get weird with race. but I thought there might be a way to connect that. Certain groups of people in certain parts of town. Anyway. Enough blogging. On to some more shows. Gotta tighten these jokes up. Another good club this week. Then a tougher club. So it might be back to JIFFY LUBE jokes. ugh.

Trip is going ok so far. Someone stole a jacket that had $200 canadian in it. I got paid in cash from a bunch of gigs up there. I used a lot of it because I knew I wouldn’t be in a state that had Bank of America for a while. So I just paid with Cash for gas for a while. But then I got to USA. I kept it in my jacket before I could go to a bank. Funny thing is Michigan was the first state I was in that had BOA and I went Friday morning. That’s how I realized I lost my jacket thursday night.

I wore it to the show the first night and because I’m a dumbass I just forgot I wore it so I left without it. Some parts of my brain just don’t work. lol. I went back nobody had a clue where it was. It didn’t turn up in lost and found. I was also booked on a show in New Orleans but it looks like that club isn’t opening in time. Which means I have a $200 weekend in Houston that makes no sense now because the anchor gig was in N’aleans. I also was pinning the trip on getting accepted into this comedy festival. I made it to the last round of cuts but didn’t get in. It woulda been an opportunity to make some new connections, showcase for some industry. But I didn’t know anybody running it, I didn’t know anyone at the club sponsoring it. I also know zero of the comics who got accepted. I’ll blame politics for now. So now, I filled that weekend in with a club in Virginia. but that means I go from CT, to Milwaukee, to Virgiina, to nowhere, to Houston, to home? No thanks. I’ll just go to Milwaukee, fly to Virginia, Fly back to Milwaukee, drive home, fly to Houston. I won’t make any money. I’ll probably lose some. but I won’t put an extra 10k miles on my car for no reason. but overall the trip will be a success because of the inroads I made in another few clubs and booking agencies. Scared money don’t make none.

Also – I’ll try to get the LuLu joke on tape soon. That’s one I actually did blog. Rooftop Comedy bought the clip of me doing the joke the first time and put it on their online radio station. So I have some audio of it being worked out but we’ll see if I can get some solid video. It’s a good joke, it’s just long. For new joke economy, it’s easier to start with these one minute clips and space them out in the set across multiple shows. Then throw one giant chunk of turd in the middle of a crisp 20 minutes. lol.

Also – Rooftop Comedy bought my album. More news on that when I have it. but same deal. Some online distribution company they’re partnering with. (Sirius?) I’m not allowed to know yet. That’s kinda cool though.

Mating Rituals – Typing it out.

I wanted to do a blog on a creative writing session. I had this idea of guys doing stupid things to impress women. Compare it to animals doing stupid shit. Tie it in with stupid things I’ve done. – I’ve also been working on a joke about LULU (see previous blogs) and one part is a rant I go on for #workinprogress where I talk about how I haven’t had sex in 2014 and I’m over it. I’m done trying. Then I thought about telling these feelings to someone I didn’t know real well, like my parents. and I knew they would go “Why?” (Actually it’s an old writing trick: Who What When Where Why HOW?) So this is sometimes how I write where I kind of write several thoughts down and kind of talk it out with myself on a computer screen.

There’s no order or segues or sense. It’s just kind of a random thing.

It used to be flowers, candlelight and Barry White on the stereo

Everything men do is to eventually attract a mate. I didn’t get into comedy to change the world. I got in it as revenge for my parents lack of attention obviously.

But we think of animals as doing weird things. We’re just big dumb animals. I tried to google weird animal mating rituals. It was like “Porcupines pee on their mate. Snakes get into Orgy’s. Slugs have huge dicks.” I was like yeah, there’s websites for all of that.

female porcupines are interested in sex only about 8 to 12 hours in a year – Seems like some women I know. AMIRITE!? Booo. So easy.

But Humans are like Busch light and fireworks. What kind of fish are you catching with that bait? Tired of that. Some animals fight to the death. I know I’m not gonna win. I’ll just sit on the sidelines and wait for the right one. Because the right one isn’t impressed by the fighting guy.

Everything I’ve ever done in my life that I regret, involved a girl. Some could argue alcohol, but honestly, I only drink when I’m trying to get laid.

Alcohol is my mating ritual. lol. <- this could go in an existing joke. -->

We go to a bar for a first date, which is a terrible first date, I just don’t have any other options. Get em drunk, Hope for the best! That’s my move. Which is dumb because I don’t even drink that often. I don’t like to drink. Not a religious thing or a court ordered thing. 2 coors lights, I can be taken advantage of. dip your pinky in some jager and rub it on my gums. I almost exclusively drink when I’m trying to get someone to have sex with me. That’s my mating ritual. If you’re watching animal planet and you see me on there. first of all, awesome, I have a TV credit. Second of all. This is the scene, that animal voice over guy. The Tiger stalks his prey. The antelope minding their business, getting a drink from the pond. We’re at the bar, She’s lured in by Andrew’s comedy and thought he was funny and charming. Little does she know he’s 2 vodka tonics deep. He almost looks interested in what she has to say.

Kinda reminds me of a thing Birbigs did now that I think more about it but plenty different.

Anyway. That’s a start. That’s about 2 hours of writing and reading and thinking.

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LuLu is DooDoo

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I discovered this app for your phone called Lu Lu. What it does is allows women to leave a review on a man. Like he was a movie. Or yelp, for humans. Basically.

I tried to log in to see what they said about me but it turns out only women can see it. And I already tried making a different Facebook profile as a woman. It still knows somehow.The call is coming from inside the house.

 Left with no options, I extorted one of my friends and she sent me a copy of my review. And I’m here to defend my honor.

They describe people with hashtags, so let’s start with some of my worst qualities because those are the ones they got wrong.

#workinprogress – I prefer the term fixer upper. But I don’t think that’s a bad quality. Buy low, sell high ladies.Also, let’s be honest. Work in Progress was a few years ago, when I still had hope. I’m not done forever. I’m Michael Jordan going to play baseball for a few years.

I haven’t had sex all year. On purpose. and it’s been the best few months of my life. I haven’t had to buy anybody drinks. I’ve gotten so much work done.

I got tired of it. I’m young but my penis is like an old war vet. Sitting on the porch with his helmet. Smoking a cigar. “I’ve seen some stuff, kid.”

I met a girl who was 30 and divorced and immediately I was in love with her because she KNEW not everything works out.

No more work in progress. Love it or leave it.

#questionablesearchhistory – why are you going through my phone? I wish I could leave you a review. It would say #trustissues

#nothingbadabouthim – the worst thing you can say about me is that there is nothing bad to say. I don’t ride a motorcycle or fight crime. So I’m boring.
you know who rides a motorcylce and fights crime? Batman. You know where his girlfriend is? DEAD! Why do superheros date? Superman’s only weakness is Kryptonite and that one girl.

#selfabsorbed
– Yah. Not anymore. Way to take me down a notch lulu.

#hititandquitit – Really? I thought that was one of my best qualities.

Now for the good.
#localceleb- really. I’ve been to canada. Try international superstar. Ok maybe self absorbed want so far off.
#mysterious – you just said I was boring. Now I’m a mystery. Make up your mind.
#dirtytalkpro – Look, I’m mostly joking with this stuff. I will cop to all of the above. I’m happily selfish and annoying and hard to reach at times. but THIS is the one that surprised me. I am not kinky, I’m not a dirty talker. One time a girl asked me to talk dirty and I stuttered like Elmer Fudd. It was kinda hot.

I wish I was more kinky. My last girlfriend was always trying to get me to do role playing games. I never had any fun though. We always played one called “Sexy Librarian.” Which is where I’m not allowed to talk, and she reads a book instead.

The New TV

I got a new tv recently. My friend bought a new 60 inch TV, and so I traded him my OLD tv PLUS sexual favors for HIS old TV. because his wife probably wasn’t going to sleep with him for a while, because he just bought a new 60 inch TV.

I was excited that I got a new tv, and I bragged to my facebook friends because that’s what facebook is for. My brother called me and said “Why did you buy a TV, I have an extra 40 inch flatscreen that you can have.” I told him that it didn’t cost me anything but great timing.

What kind of rich asshole just has an EXTRA 40 inch tv just laying around his house? My last tv was 32 inches and 5 years old. I may get $100 for it on craigslist but it will be gone in 3 hours. I’m so poor, I contemplate selling my bed every day because I don’t use it for most of the day. Also, I was homeless for the last 6 months, and I lived in his spare bedroom for a month, I finally found a place, he didn’t think to ask if I needed a TV?

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DO_THE_RIGHT_THING

Do the Right Thing!

DO_THE_RIGHT_THINGMy friend Sarah got asked out on a date by a Seahawks player but she said no. It reminded me of the time I got asked out by the most popular girl in school in 7th grade and I said no because she had never said a word to me before that.

Now, long story short: I never became a cool kid and she rejected me the next 19 times I asked her out over the year. The moral of the story is if you can date someone pretty and famous, DO IT. You can have Seahawks tickets or you can get beat up in high school. Do the right thing, Sarah Mac! #gohawks

A Long Stupid Post About Emotions That Isn’t Very Funny

I started to write this on facebook, but whatever. I usually try to be funny on there, and here sometimes too, but nobody reads this stuff so what does it matter.

Sometimes I just want to be serious and talk about my emotions. Comedians are people too. Kind of.

I had this “moment” before I left for my 13 week trip. I’ve always blamed my career for not being able to be in a serious relationship, and it’s a great excuse, you should try it sometime. but there was a girl that I was kinda interested in before and she was dating someone else and I felt like I lost out, but we were still friends on facebook and she was always tagging pictures and I secretly wanted them to break up because I’m allergic to other people’s happiness but he was a good looking guy, so I wasn’t too bummed out, it wasn’t like she settled for something instead of me, you never want to see a girl go after an ugly guy and be like “aww that was totally mine to lose.” She would always check in on facebook at like an applebees “With the best boyfriend EVARRR” – I’m like aww that’s all it takes? I coulda done applebees once in a while.

But as I do, I moved on immediately, and now she’s single and hitting me up and whatever. I don’t have a joke for that part of my brain yet. I sometimes forget to not tell my parents every thing going on, because they over react. If I tell them I have a crush, they think its serious. Or they’re so eager for me to be with anybody, they just hope it’s something more than it is. The closest thing I’ve got is that scene from Men In Black. Will Smith is running around shooting shit:

Kay: We do not discharge our weapons in view of the public!

Jay
: Man, we ain’t got time for this cover-up bullshit! I don’t know whether or not you’ve forgotten, but there’s an Arquillian Battle Cruiser that’s about to…

Kay: There’s always an Arquillian Battle Cruiser, or a Corillian Death Ray, or an intergalactic plague that is about to wipe out all life on this miserable little planet, and the only way these people can get on with their happy lives is that they DO NOT KNOW ABOUT IT!”

Lol. Well in this case. My heart is Will Smith, and my brain is like “Shut up, you’re going to ruin their life!” – That sentence isn’t that funny but the comparison idea makes me laugh so far. I have no idea how to make that something that works on stage, but that’s usually the first step. Find out what makes me laugh. Try it. When it doesn’t work. Go back to the drawing board.

Anyway. here comes the mushy part. At several parts of the tour I found myself lonely and wishing I wasn’t in Arkansas or something. One night I was at the Comedy Condo on a tuesday. Which is the worst. Because Monday still has football and you can still live off the excitement of a Sunday show. Tuesday there’s nothing. and it’s still a few days before you have a show or a long drive to distract you from whats in your brain. Anyway, I was bored on the couch and I heard a knock at the door. I got up and I ran to the door and opened it and nobody was there. It was the ice machine and I was just lonely.

So I decided some things aren’t as important as other things. Money is paper, who cares. I’m the most financially stable I’ve been in many years. Partly because I don’t pay rent anywhere right now but besides the point. I was doing good the last year too. My checking and savings accounts have a comma. Stop hoarding money like you’ll never get another job ever. People are important. Relationships. Not necessarily in the traditional boyfriend/girlfriend thing, but perhaps for the first time in many years. Maybe not necessarily not relationships. but more just about friends and relatives and family and people. I want to spend time with people because those things are things you can’t get back. Yeah my career is still coming in first, but hopefully it’s going to be a closer finish this year.

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HOW COLD IS IT?

Dear Canada, your Sun is broken.

I’m on my first (LAST?) winter tour of Canada. My friend is a Canada Tour Veteran and has several jokes about how when you walk outside it feels like you owe the weather money. I laughed but now I’m getting to experience it.

I’ve driven through mini blizzards. It was cold but it was fine, I could handle it. Today is by far the worst. It was 2 degrees yesterday and sunny. Which is the part I take the most offense to. and BTW I know they use Celsius but right now the F stands for 2 FUCKING DEGREES. ARE YOU KIDDING ME? GO FAHRENHEIT YOURSELVES, CANADA. Why did you show up to work if you’re just gonna sit there?  I tried to turn it off and on, you know restart it but the next day was -11 in the morning. Why do negative temperatures even exist? Why is that a thing? That means the guy who invented temperature never even thought this would exist.

I’ve had my doubts about NASA’s abilities but there are people here are living lives and doing things. How much more difficult could a moon colony base be? If I even look outside, I have to take a warm shower.

I’ll be home next week, back to reality. I can’t wait. This will be the longest week ever. Dare I say time has frozen.
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